We tend to judge behaviour in terms of age appropriateness. I recall my first child hitting the “terrible twos” and could not believe that my beautiful daughter had metamorphosed into a disobedient, argumentative little tantrum thrower. The Toddler Training bible, Dr Google and every other reference said that this was normal development caused by hormonal changes. When the tantrums occurred, parents were recommended to stay calm and patient, speak quietly and model to children the way that strong emotions can be dealt with. Eventually they will learn to control their feelings and modify their behaviours. The Terrible Twos pass… and then the Horrendous Threes. We are now in the Awful Eights. (Why did no-one warn us of all these?!) Each stage in the child’s life is a time of challenge and learning, for both parents and child. The child gradually learns appropriate social behaviours. I was ready for similar stages in my other two children and a little wiser in dealing with them. I still have adolescence to look forward to!
The tantrums seen in a two year old are age appropriate. The same behaviours in a five year old at school are inappropriate. Tantrums in older children are definitely inappropriate and will require intervention so that that pattern of behaviour does not become “hard wired”.
Play Is The Way has had a dramatically positive affect on our school culture which has resulted in children learning socially appropriate behaviours by reflecting on and taking responsibility for their behaviours. The Play is The Way language provides a way of opening up conversations for learning from inappropriate behaviours. At all times the adult must model calm considered “adult” behaviours. Asking questions immediately requires the child’s brain to move away from the Limbic (emotional) part of the brain to the cerebral cortex (thinking) parts. An emotional responses to an emotional outburst will trigger defensiveness and escalate the problem. The Play Is The Way language is built around 6 reflective questions:
These questions can be modified to any opposites such as “Is that a Nice or Nasty thing to say? These questions open up a conversation between the child and the adult where the adult crafts the questions to guide the conversation for the child to do the thinking and reflecting on his or her behaviour rather than passively listening to an adult give a lecture. The latter generally makes the adult feel better but results in no learning for the child.
Community Circles are a powerful tool for children to help each other reflect on behaviour and support their colleagues in developing strategies to become more virtuous. Inappropriate behaviours are named and dealt with in a trusting and supportive manner. Children learn the language to confidently and respectfully deal with issues and seek or give advice on how to improve. It is all about learning.
We live and work in a school community. When someone does the right thing, it affects the whole community positively. When someone does the wrong thing, it has a negative effect on the community. We firmly believe in “Our School. Our Children”. Children, regardless of their age or year level can be invited into a Community Circle to be accountable to and supported by the community.
Children’s learning and wellbeing is our business. Helping children develop appropriate social skills to enable them to moderate their own behaviours has become an increasingly large part of the teacher’s role. The real challenge for a leader is how to deal with teachers who display behaviours that are socially age inappropriate. The community of teachers has as yet developed to a stage where teacher behaviour is addressed in the same way that children are being taught. We too often operate a “polite society” rather than a community of learners. When a staff member’s behaviour, attitude or speech is negative, inappropriate or contrary to our School Agreements or Values, staff will rarely speak with the person concerned. More often than not the person will be spoken about or the behaviour will be reported to leadership.
It might sound simplistic or provocative, but most of these misbehaviours are age inappropriate – a teacher refusing to speaking to colleagues for extended periods, a teacher yelling at children, continually late for duty,
late back from the staffroom after a break, etc. Behaviours that would be expected from a junior primary student but not be accepted from a primary student, let alone an adult.
The Play Is The Way questions are a perfect vehicle for addressing the above. How many staff would respond positively? Would they feel that they were being “treated like a child”? If a teacher’s behaviour was named at a “staff meeting community circle” where they were respectfully told of the impact their behaviour was having on the community and then support offered, would the teacher see this as an act of caring and a valuable learning experience or would they cry victimisation and complain to the union?
Age inappropriate behaviour requires an age appropriate response… or should that be a “behavioural age” appropriate response?